From London's free morning paper, the Metro [motto: "Nearly Worth It"], we have the following:
According to Guinness World Records, the fastest snail ever was a garden gastropod called Archie, owned by Carl Branhorn of Norfolk.
It travelled 33cm in 140 seconds -- about 2mm a second -- at the World Snail Racing Championships.
On average, snails need 30 hours to cover just 1.6km.
That latter speed is nearly 1 meter per minute. So the average snail is 6.3 times as fast as the fastest snail ever.
Journalism: the career for people who don't realize they're stupid.
[Update: Megan McArdle has found some more important, and even dumber, Stupid Journalist Tricks.]